Crossing the Line

by Justin Bueno, 19, Canada

"Work like you don't need the money
Dance like no one is watching
Love like you've never been hurt. "

What do you do when you cross the line between friendship and the scary side of relationships? When the feelings of wanting more than just being 'chums' cross your mind every minute? When out of the blue, you realize that what you once thought would never ever happen to you, suddenly drops on your lap like a ton of bricks. You've fallen in love with your best friend and you don't know what to do, or say or even act around her, fearing that she would discover your secret.

The smell of freshly made popcorn filled the air of the new Movie Theater that had just opened. It was my first day, and I was really excited about meeting new people and the new changes in my life. That's where I met Tara. She was in my training group and we hit it off. Suddenly there was an instant connection with us, and I thought that she was completely amazing to hang out with and talk about the most stupid things. We got to know each other better and soon, after endless conversations on the phone and numerous outings to the movies, we became the best of friends. We would laugh and talk for hours. I would give her advice about her boyfriends and she would listen to my relationship problems, but I really didn't want to hear "Dave did the sweetest thing to me today!" or "Did I tell you what John gave me?" I didn't want to hear about all her boyfriends and what they did or what they should've done.

I wanted to be the one she talked about to all her friends. I wanted to be the one in her heart, and suddenly I stopped and realized that whenever Tara would talk about Dave, or John or Amir, I would feel this surge of unconditional jealously in my body. I was in love with her. I was too blind to see it and even more stubborn to even admit it. Then I found that her eyes where set on a new guy who worked with us. That was when I decided to tell her, To risk everything and just grab the courage that was sitting deep within me and just tell her.

Valentine's Day came around, and the smell of fresh popcorn at the movie theater was drowned out by the smell of roses and boxed chocolates. I was the first one there in the morning and I had snuck into the women's empty change room. I taped a single red rose to her locker, a card with an amazing poem, and inside I left her something different from the usual box of chocolates. Since it was morning I figured I would give her a Valentine's day breakfast. I laid a box of Strawberry Frosted pop tarts and closed the door. I went to work and waited for her to come soon after I had started. She was very flattered and gave me the biggest hug. I held her in my arms for a few brief moments but it was completely worth it. This was the moment I had been waiting for. I was going to ask her out, before the other guy had the chance. Like the game of poker I laid everything on the table with my heart. And waited for the dealer to show me her hand. I simply asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner tonight. She smiled and looked at me with those amazing brown eyes.

Then a moment of silence fell upon the theater. It was like everything stopped and Tara was the only thing that mattered. I was too late. The other guy asked her out before I did. They had plans to watch a movie after work. As crushed as I was, I had to accept her answer, and both of us went to do our jobs. What she didn't know was that I had made reservations at a very nice restaurant a week in advance, fantasizing that I would actually take her there just for that night. After I called to cancel them, my day turned even worse. My job was to rip tickets, and rushes of couples would pass by me. I had the best view of Tara and her boyfriend flirting and laughing with each other. After work I walked in on them kissing. I stood there motionless, wishing that it could've been me. I was on the verge of breaking down and just crying, but I had to be strong. She was my best friend, and as much as it hurt, I stood by her.

Well after that night, Tara's relationship with "him" grew stronger, and our friendship was on the verge of deterioration. I was forced to listen to her adventures with him and the silent cries of the inner corners of my heart. She was in love with him and I saw it in her eyes--that spark of passion that finally made her happy. Spring came around and my birthday had come. This was the final chance I would have to win her heart. My plan was to take her to a romantic theatrical musical, dinner and just spend some quality time. That morning I went to buy her a bracelet and had it engraved. I bought her a card and a new shirt for that night.

That night couldn't have been any more perfect. The perfect weather, the perfect dress that she wore and the perfect time to win her heart. We went out to dinner, and I held her hand through the whole thing. My heart was melting; just feeling her hand in mine brought the biggest smile to my face. I gave her the bracelet at dinner and she smiled and gave me the biggest hug. I bought her a rose from a peddler on the street and pretended in my head that all of this was the perfect date that I dreamed of for so long. I held her hand through the entire show, trying to calm my heart from racing so rapidly. I would glance over and just stare at her, as she was so into the play, the way her lips would rest against each other and the way her hair fell in front of her face.

"Can I have a piece of gum, Justin?" She whispered in my ear

"What do I get for it?" I playfully asked.

"A kiss," she replied as a joke. I looked in her eyes and she looked very serious. Now I've kissed her before but only on the cheek and that's what I knew she was implying. But I wanted to kiss her lips so badly that I thought I had nothing to lose. My heart had been smashed from Valentine's Day--what else could be destroyed from one kiss? I inched over and felt her breath against my face. I held her cheek in my hand and closed my eyes. This was it. This was the day that I've been waiting for, the moment of truth. And for that brief moment I kissed her. She pushed away and I realized that it was wrong. I had crossed the line between friendship and relationships and there was no turning back. My mission to win her heart had failed. She went to the other guy and all I was left with was a memory of a night and a kiss I would never forget.

But I don't regret any of it. Tara had taught me to take risks, to do what's in your heart and deal with whatever the consequences were. At least I could say that I'd tried, even though I still am madly in love with her, secretly hiding it away from her, still believing that I am over her but deep within me I'm not. But at least I have no regrets of my feelings for her and our relationship that I'll treasure forever. I took the chance, I held on to the moment and as painful as it is, I finally know my answer. If I didn't take the chance, the moment would've passed me by without even knowing the answer. And I love her for opening my heart to that.